〈動画全文〉辛い孤独、こうして癒やしました

Loneliness is so painful – How can we survive this?

I woke up at 3 a.m. I live alone somewhere in London. In the darkness, suddenly thoughts cross my mind – I am alone. Why am I alone? If I disappeared right now, would anyone notice? Will I live my life like this forever? And then, I feel something lurking around the pit of my stomach. Ah, yes, it’s you – Loneliness.

Today, I have no plans to meet anyone. I’ll spend the day entirely on my own. Yes, I am alone. I have no one. And today is my birthday. Loneliness gives me a real, physical ache, although I’m healthy and there’s nothing wrong physically. Loneliness creeps up on me, overwhelming me. It’s beyond my control. Please, Loneliness, stop eating me alive. But no matter how much I plead, it never disappears.

It’s 4 a.m. It’s that time of year when the days are longest and the nights are shortest. Still, there’s some time before the sun rises.

It seems to be an era where we’re all connected. We can call or text anyone at any time. I can do that with the people in Japan, my home country thousands of miles away. We have lots of friends on social media, and in a city like London, there are so many people. But I still feel lonely, and I don’t think it’s only me. I believe many people feel the same.

To be honest, I could have met someone today if I wanted to. I moved to London last summer and have been living here for about a year now. Of course, I’ve met people and made some friends along the way. And when I felt lonely, I did seek out company. When I’m with people, I can be distracted. Everyone seems to be having a great time – smiling, laughing, hugging. I’m surrounded by them, and I also smile and laugh. Yet I feel utterly lonely. It doesn’t make any sense, but it is what it is. Meeting people doesn’t really chase the loneliness away. And at the end of the day, when I return to an empty home, loneliness becomes unbearable.

Yes, loneliness is painful, very painful indeed. Why is that? Why is it so painful? Why do we feel it? I’m not going to let myself feel that way on my birthday. Thinking so, I decided to spend my birthday on my own and visit a place I’ve always wanted to go for a long time.

The air on a summer morning is so fresh. I breathe deeply and hold my breath. The morning cold air has a scent that nourishes my soul. I sense it for a minute or maybe less, and I start feeling a tightness in my chest.

I believe all unpleasant sensations have meaning. Imagine you’re trying to catch fish underwater, very concentrated, and forget to surface, not feeling the need for air. What would happen then? This tightness has meaning.

We might starve to death if we didn’t feel hungry. We could bleed out if we didn’t feel pain when we got hurt. Among mammals, unpleasant sensations have been advantageous in natural selection. They played a crucial role in survival and adaptation, helping our ancestors thrive by feeling those pains and urges. Those who developed those sensations survived and thrived through natural selection since we started existing in the primeval world. We cannot forget to breathe. That is why holding our breath is agonizing. Hunger is not pleasant, and pain is literally painful, but it does not mean they are unnecessary. In fact, we need them. We need them to stay alive.

It’s the same with loneliness. Had our ancestors not felt loneliness, they might have acted individually and faced danger from predators. Humans are not particularly strong animals. Intelligence has been our weapon, but its true power lies in group dynamics. In the African savanna, where humans evolved, a single human couldn’t survive against lions and leopards, even as the most intelligent creature there. Alone or only in pairs, humans couldn’t protect themselves, let alone their babies. Therefore, individuals who developed a sense of loneliness were more cautious about staying connected to their companions, increasing their chances of survival and continuing their lineage.

It’s due to their loneliness that we exist today. Naturally, we, their descendants, also feel lonely. We inherit their genes. Loneliness is the legacy from our ancestors, reminding us we shouldn’t be alone. We should have proper companions, and we should stick together. We should keep each other safe, help each other, and take care of each other. We evolved in that direction, not towards being a lone wolf. So, it is natural for us, humans, to feel lonely.

Yes, today I am lonely. I feel loneliness crawling inside me. It’s not pleasant. I don’t like it at all. But I embrace it. I choose to embrace it because I know I need it. I shouldn’t stop feeling lonely and I shouldn’t ignore it because when it appears in my life, it always has meaning.

I am from Japan and spent my whole life there until last summer. I moved to London with nothing but a medium-sized suitcase and a racket bag. Those were all I brought here. I left everything else behind. Everything, including people. I’ve never regretted my decision to come here, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel lonely sometimes, like on my birthday, remembering how I spent that day last time.

I have some people in London and belong to a few communities, but my instinct, loneliness, is telling me something is missing. If I had all the connections I needed, I wouldn’t be alone on my birthday and feel lonely. And if I didn’t feel lonely spending my birthday alone, something would be wrong with me, and something would be wrong. If I didn’t feel lonely, I probably wouldn’t bother meeting new people, and I would miss out on opportunities to meet those who will be significant for me in the future. Therefore, I think it is important to feel lonely and most people feel lonely, at least occasionally, or at some point in their life. Loneliness is agonizing, but feeling it is proof that we are a part of humanity.

But we shouldn’t feel lonely frequently, and we cannot let loneliness overwhelm us. We should take care of ourselves before it becomes too painful to endure, chronic, or morbid. Not only is it bad for our mental health, but studies show that loneliness has been found to be a risk factor for increased vascular resistance and blood pressure, metabolic syndrome, diminished immunity, and the list goes on. Loneliness could be dangerous. Then, what is the remedy for loneliness, just as the cure for suffocation is oxygen and the antidote for hunger is food?

Of course, the best and simplest remedy is to connect with someone you feel safe and comfortable with, someone with whom you can share your true thoughts and feelings. But what if they are not available? What if we don’t have those people in our lives at the moment? What if we have already lost those people?

I don’t think pushing ourselves to be social with random people we don’t really feel connected with is a good solution. If we do so, it’s more likely that we will end up feeling lonelier. We don’t feel lonely in the first place if those random people are the right people for us.

I also think it is not a good idea to try to meet new people at parties or social gatherings. What are the odds that today you will meet your future best friend or love of your life? There is a chance indeed, but it’s one in a few hundred people or less. It’s very rare to meet those significant others, so they are called ‘the one’. And when we cannot meet the one today, we become lonelier. And if you try to meet new people again and again, you get lonelier and lonelier until the day you meet the person. It’s great if you could meet that person soon, but loneliness is so strong and painful that it could break a person before the day comes.

I like meeting new people and I believe in the importance of having conversations with people who have different opinions and values to widen our perspectives, but not on the day I feel lonely. It is not when I should risk feeling lonelier.

So, what is the solution to ease loneliness? Here’s what worked for me. When I feel lonely, I focus on my hobbies.

I love tennis, and that has saved me from loneliness many, many times. I’ve been attending tennis lessons at least once a week for more than three years. There, I always meet the same folks who also love what I love. In social sessions where we all enjoy friendly matches, I meet new people every time I participate. Tennis offers a place where I can always go, enjoy what I love, and meet people who share a passion for the sport. Having hobbies makes that possible.

It doesn’t have to be a sport. Even if your hobby is something you do by yourself, it works the same, or it could be even better. Once I was into watercolour. Since I could paint anytime and anywhere, I could enjoy my solitude whenever I felt lonely. Tennis requires someone to play with, but watercolour doesn’t. And those solitary hobbies could also offer opportunities to meet people. Once you reach a certain level, you might want to improve your skills by taking lectures from professionals or visiting galleries to see other people’s works. In these settings, you’ll meet new people who share the same interests as you while enjoying what you love and having a great time no matter what.

Today I came to Wimbledon where the greatest tennis players from every corner of the world gather once a year on the grass. Today is the first day of the tournament. Spectators here are all tennis lovers like me. All these people love tennis so much that they are willing to queue for tickets for hours or pay the very expensive prices if they don’t want to queue. Many of them have been waiting here since last night and queuing overnight.

Here we all have something in common. We all love something in common. Everyone is a stranger, but this feeling that I am surrounded by people who also love what I love makes me feel that I am not alone. If I speak to a random person sitting next to me, what are the odds they are also tennis lovers? What are the odds we can be friends? Tennis partners? And something more? Strangers are not random here.

And even if I didn’t get to meet someone that leads to some sort of future relationship, that’s totally fine. For me, there is no greater joy than being able to witness world-class tennis players live in person. The great players are right in front of me. I can hear them smash the balls and their breaths. I can see them frown and smile. I can enjoy every single moment here even if I am alone. I can enjoy myself no matter what, even if I don’t meet anybody. It is, no matter what, a great day alone. That is why I believe enjoying hobbies is the best remedy for loneliness.

My birthday happens to be the first day of Wimbledon. It’s lucky. But even if there were no Wimbledon, I probably would have played tennis if I could find a tennis partner and enjoyed my birthday no matter what. If I had no one to play tennis with, well, I might visit some historical site or go hiking because it is what I enjoy no matter what, and it was exactly what I did on my birthday two years ago. That day, too, I was completely alone, but loneliness didn’t bother me.

So, I believe hobbies save us from loneliness. Remember, many people feel lonely. It’s not only you. You are not alone in this. I am also on the same page. I feel lonely. And I believe we are healthy feeling that way, more or less.

—-

Pain, hunger, loneliness.
These are gifts from antiquity.

Being lacked of pain, an early mammal perished from wounds. 
Being devoid of hunger, an ancient primate starved to death.
Being bereft of loneliness, an primitive man abandoned their kin, 
acted in isolation, and met their end in the wild.

Pain, hunger, loneliness.
These are the endowments from our ancestors.

Pain reminds us to hide in the shade, resting for our wounds to heal.
Hunger forces us for hunting food to fill our stomach.
Loneliness leads to a safe nest, support and comfort for each other, 
and to the significant other.

Pain, hunger, loneliness.
These are the testament to humanity.

—

Everyone feels lonely, and that makes us human. If you feel lonely, it is natural. But promise me not to ignore it. Promise me to take care of yourself. Enjoy your hobbies and explore and expand your world through them.

And please be aware of the person, the stranger next to you. They might also be suffering and struggling with loneliness. Speak to them, make small talk, just say something about their clothes, belongings, or the weather. Say something like “I like your shoes,” or “The weather is nice today.” That could be just enough to heal loneliness for a lonely person in front of you.

If it is a little bit intimidating, just hold the door for them. They might say “thank you,” and you would say “no problem.” Just that would make their day, and yours.

Just smile at them when you make eye contact. Sometimes, that’s all it takes.